The Barista and The Author

I don't know what it is I like about you: 

May be it's your eyebrows.

"They're so emotive"

May be it's because you're Russian.

You know I'm a sucker for all of that.

I would fall in love with a philosophy major.

I would fall in love with a man whose girlfriend has cancer.

I would fall in love with a Nabokov reader.

I would fall in love with an author.

I would

I would 

I would

I did.

Where does that leave me?

May be we don't have to be anything.

We could leave ourselves frozen in the perpetual state of sexual tension.

We could make it into the most romantic affair known to history:

Of strawberry pie eating sweetness

Sticky thoughts,

Sweet emotions.

Oh god;

Let's just have sex now.

Experience at the Shoppe #1

It's amazing what a change of perspective can do to an object; it can completely distort it. A table is no longer a table. It's a battle field, it's a plateau, it's the space that you can pour your heart onto: steady, fourlegged, flat, forgiving, silent. It's perfect.

The ladies who just came in, left a generous two-dollar tip, felt the same way. The left crying together, two women, three plates, two cups, two forks, two spoons, one table. They were all left as what they are.

It made me think to myself, that table means something completely different to them than it does to me. A memory is attached to it, the table is a tangible reminder to them of the emotions they experienced together. 

I look at that table and think, I'm going to have to clean that later; I hope they didn't use honey.

Ideas To Keep You Up At Night Clayton.

I would not ever dare read the thoughts that are in your head.

But I listen bob dylan and dream.

Of changing the world. 

You could be there too,

If you like we could rule.

There you were hitting me like a storm,

I saw it coming over the horizon on the sunny day

But, I refused to believe it was coming.

I felt the wind blow,

the leaves turned over,

My hair swirled and I knew it was coming.

Again.

And there was you.

We could rule, we could.

You’re smart, I’m smart.

We’re conniving; don’t lie and tell me your not.

I see the looks in your eyes.

I did not dare read. But I did write.

Quite the opposite but I thought you would appreciate 

the ideas to keep you awake at night.

Who is this girl? Is she crazy?

She must be. 

I think I am.

But you like it.

Lost Weekend Lover

My lost weekend lover, New York lover:

Come out to Chicago.

John Lennon will have nothing on us.

Come a loose something with me.

If I could, I would

Lost weekend lover.

We'll wander these desolate streets as long as you want.

Gazing at the lonely loveliness,

Seeing ourselves in the shadowous street lamps, the mirrirous rain puddles.

We'll feel the soft cool air on our skin.

Kiss by the moonlight, 

Over the star studded river, the gems running through it.

Oh, my bridge over the opulent river.

That's where I will take you lover.

No one will know who we are,

No one will care we're together. 

No one will care what we're doing.

I want a lost weekend. 

Come to Chicago, lover.

Lost weekend lover.

New York lover.

New York Lover to Be

I just had the most wonderful experience

With a boy from New York.

I think I'm in love.

He's in love with the female charm,

but everything but mine.

He has like a dream: mood ring

His conversation, divine.

I think I'm in love again.

Oh sweet heart,

Don't break, don't break on him

A million miles away.

I couldn't watch him.

But please, I want to make him mine.

Oh dear Juliet tease him not.

Make sure your clear on the line.

Because if you keep him to yourself

I'll die.

I can't find a gem like him, and cast it back

Like a pebble at the water's edge.

Please, let me love another romantic

And have him love me back.

Here is the Truth.

What is surprising me,

What is stunning me, is that

I don't care.

I don't care that you're hurt.

I don't care that you're angry.

I built myself up for this because I know no matter how it ended

You always would be.

Fuck you and your rash conclusions.

Fuck you, you thought you knew me.

I kept so much from you.

I could throw it all at you

Tumble you over and make you hurt as well as hate.

But I won't.

I'm done.

You should be too.

I moved on long before you ever knew the end was coming. 

Yes moved, past tense.

At the end it was only pity.

At the end it was only loyalty.

Now I can be happy.

Not I can blossom.

You know you would never be able to say things like that to me in person.

You weak shadow of a man.

Using letters to say what you feel. 

Stand behind your words dammit.

Say it to me in person like a human.

Go hind behind a wall, avoid eye contact,

Weak.

Weak.

That's what you are.

I will always know this.

I will always feel it.

I didn't break you, you broke you.

You always knew who I was, what was going on. 

Fuck you, deciding to deal with now that you don't have to see me.

Convenient. 

That's all you were. 

A couple blocks away and a good fuck.

Pity is what I had for you. 

Disgust has replaced it.

Joe's Knives

You took a little knife:

That collection your dad took away, from when you use to cut yourself.

You took the prettiest one and made sure thee was none of me left

Carefully carved me out.

Did I never exist?

Did we never exist?

You knew exactly what you were doing

You knew you were trying to erase me

Was it really that bad?

I am really that much of a monster?

Three years down the drain

Three years I'll never forget, never regret.

Will you scar?

Have you healed?

Could you really do it that fast, I know I can't.

I'm trying to be me.

But I'm becoming an empty shell of happiness

I can't be in a bad mood, because I don't feel anymore.

I can't.

I'll never love.

I can't.

I'll never be.

I can't.

I don't want to move.

I can't.

All I can do is sleep

As much as possible

All there is school that keeps me awake

I'm scared of thinking too much and letting it all back in

I've desensitized myself trying to make everything okay.

I'm a big girl, I'm mature I keep telling myself.

Is that really true?

Can I just shrug off love.

If I can't

I sure as hell am trying hard.