Regret/Remorse/Remembrance

I scarred me how much I loved you.

And how much I miss you now.

I didn't know it was possible to still feel after everything was said and done.

Your blue eyes still haunt me.

Your skin still glows like the ghost we want to believe in.

The ghost of everything that we were.

There was a time when everything was right between us.

I want to go back, I can't deny it.

Bu it just can't be now.

Life.

There it is.

photographs as proof.

there is you.

with long hair, curled.

surrounded by everyone.

someone thinking of you.

you thinking of someone.

there it is.

everything you've dreamed.

Art. Freedom. Love. Sex. 

it's all there laid out on the table.

why is it so hard to grasp.

everything you've ever wanted is here.

everything.

But sometimes,

I miss the loneliness.

Sometimes I miss the self doubt.

But now.

It's all here.

So I'm going to live it.

The Barista and The Author

I don't know what it is I like about you: 

May be it's your eyebrows.

"They're so emotive"

May be it's because you're Russian.

You know I'm a sucker for all of that.

I would fall in love with a philosophy major.

I would fall in love with a man whose girlfriend has cancer.

I would fall in love with a Nabokov reader.

I would fall in love with an author.

I would

I would 

I would

I did.

Where does that leave me?

May be we don't have to be anything.

We could leave ourselves frozen in the perpetual state of sexual tension.

We could make it into the most romantic affair known to history:

Of strawberry pie eating sweetness

Sticky thoughts,

Sweet emotions.

Oh god;

Let's just have sex now.

Experience at the Shoppe #1

It's amazing what a change of perspective can do to an object; it can completely distort it. A table is no longer a table. It's a battle field, it's a plateau, it's the space that you can pour your heart onto: steady, fourlegged, flat, forgiving, silent. It's perfect.

The ladies who just came in, left a generous two-dollar tip, felt the same way. The left crying together, two women, three plates, two cups, two forks, two spoons, one table. They were all left as what they are.

It made me think to myself, that table means something completely different to them than it does to me. A memory is attached to it, the table is a tangible reminder to them of the emotions they experienced together. 

I look at that table and think, I'm going to have to clean that later; I hope they didn't use honey.

Ideas To Keep You Up At Night Clayton.

I would not ever dare read the thoughts that are in your head.

But I listen bob dylan and dream.

Of changing the world. 

You could be there too,

If you like we could rule.

There you were hitting me like a storm,

I saw it coming over the horizon on the sunny day

But, I refused to believe it was coming.

I felt the wind blow,

the leaves turned over,

My hair swirled and I knew it was coming.

Again.

And there was you.

We could rule, we could.

You’re smart, I’m smart.

We’re conniving; don’t lie and tell me your not.

I see the looks in your eyes.

I did not dare read. But I did write.

Quite the opposite but I thought you would appreciate 

the ideas to keep you awake at night.

Who is this girl? Is she crazy?

She must be. 

I think I am.

But you like it.

Lost Weekend Lover

My lost weekend lover, New York lover:

Come out to Chicago.

John Lennon will have nothing on us.

Come a loose something with me.

If I could, I would

Lost weekend lover.

We'll wander these desolate streets as long as you want.

Gazing at the lonely loveliness,

Seeing ourselves in the shadowous street lamps, the mirrirous rain puddles.

We'll feel the soft cool air on our skin.

Kiss by the moonlight, 

Over the star studded river, the gems running through it.

Oh, my bridge over the opulent river.

That's where I will take you lover.

No one will know who we are,

No one will care we're together. 

No one will care what we're doing.

I want a lost weekend. 

Come to Chicago, lover.

Lost weekend lover.

New York lover.

New York Lover to Be

I just had the most wonderful experience

With a boy from New York.

I think I'm in love.

He's in love with the female charm,

but everything but mine.

He has like a dream: mood ring

His conversation, divine.

I think I'm in love again.

Oh sweet heart,

Don't break, don't break on him

A million miles away.

I couldn't watch him.

But please, I want to make him mine.

Oh dear Juliet tease him not.

Make sure your clear on the line.

Because if you keep him to yourself

I'll die.

I can't find a gem like him, and cast it back

Like a pebble at the water's edge.

Please, let me love another romantic

And have him love me back.

Here is the Truth.

What is surprising me,

What is stunning me, is that

I don't care.

I don't care that you're hurt.

I don't care that you're angry.

I built myself up for this because I know no matter how it ended

You always would be.

Fuck you and your rash conclusions.

Fuck you, you thought you knew me.

I kept so much from you.

I could throw it all at you

Tumble you over and make you hurt as well as hate.

But I won't.

I'm done.

You should be too.

I moved on long before you ever knew the end was coming. 

Yes moved, past tense.

At the end it was only pity.

At the end it was only loyalty.

Now I can be happy.

Not I can blossom.

You know you would never be able to say things like that to me in person.

You weak shadow of a man.

Using letters to say what you feel. 

Stand behind your words dammit.

Say it to me in person like a human.

Go hind behind a wall, avoid eye contact,

Weak.

Weak.

That's what you are.

I will always know this.

I will always feel it.

I didn't break you, you broke you.

You always knew who I was, what was going on. 

Fuck you, deciding to deal with now that you don't have to see me.

Convenient. 

That's all you were. 

A couple blocks away and a good fuck.

Pity is what I had for you. 

Disgust has replaced it.

Joe's Knives

You took a little knife:

That collection your dad took away, from when you use to cut yourself.

You took the prettiest one and made sure thee was none of me left

Carefully carved me out.

Did I never exist?

Did we never exist?

You knew exactly what you were doing

You knew you were trying to erase me

Was it really that bad?

I am really that much of a monster?

Three years down the drain

Three years I'll never forget, never regret.

Will you scar?

Have you healed?

Could you really do it that fast, I know I can't.

I'm trying to be me.

But I'm becoming an empty shell of happiness

I can't be in a bad mood, because I don't feel anymore.

I can't.

I'll never love.

I can't.

I'll never be.

I can't.

I don't want to move.

I can't.

All I can do is sleep

As much as possible

All there is school that keeps me awake

I'm scared of thinking too much and letting it all back in

I've desensitized myself trying to make everything okay.

I'm a big girl, I'm mature I keep telling myself.

Is that really true?

Can I just shrug off love.

If I can't

I sure as hell am trying hard.

Train Weck

I sprinted all the way home

        Chocking, crying

I flew past street lamps

       Their golden glow a blur

Neighbors walking their dogs turned and stared

What a sight to behold at night

a beautiful train wreck happening before their eyes

The bent destroyed beasts were my heart and my soul

The destruction, sheer destruction of my will was impetuous. 

Clashing of metal screeched out of my throat

Like a mechanical bird crying out over a vast industrial landscape

with towers of scrap metal, syringes topping them off like christmas stars

The train rushed past them too

Blowing their image away like dust dissipating into the thin air of the night

There was something awe inspiring about it

Seeing the emptiness of god unfold

and dogwalkers observing it like it was a part of their routine eight o'clock walk around the block

How is the breaking down of a human soul so captivating?

How is the destruction of everything known so breathtaking? 

I put the penny on the track derailing my whole life.

Something done so many times before by others has done the thing that no one thought they would achieve

I've done it.

I am the creator this colossal catastrophe

I am the one who thwarted my own life.  

BURN.

I have regrets, but not which you would think

I wish I had done it

I wish I had courage

I've been timid and weak with my love

Not strong for you, 

        for your being

I see myself slipping away from you and I understand why

I want to be there, in your arms,

Kissing you, loving you, being yours

But I can't.

And we both know it

I wish I had courage to leave 

I wish my heart was strong enough to hurt another for my own benefit

But I can't. 

I am weak.

I am not what you wish I was

But I still wish I was yours

I still wish you loved me with that fire

I want to burn, and I will.

        Burn in Hell for all the thoughts I've had of you

        Burn for all the chances I could have taken but didn't

        Burn in regret for the rest of my life wanting you and not having you

One day, I swear, I will

We will be together and there will be nothing

to end the fires of our love

And we will burn together for all eternity

                              The brightest flame know to man

                              We'll scorch all that come our way

                              Consume ourselves in the passion that is us

                              With so much lust and rage

                             

                            

c o n f e s s i o n s

I said nothing as I left

There was nothing needed to

We both knew what there was

                                    "did I tell you about my green sweater?"

                                    "sounds great"

We both know what is there

                                    "you're horrible, you know that?"

I am in love with you, but I never can be

I want you to know you're everything

I need and want

But this will never be 

It can't, it won't

                                   "sex is the fastest way to ruin a friendship"

I'm almost over this

but a little part of me doesn't want to be

I always want to have you there

That tension, that self hatred 

                                "would you two fuck and get it over with?"

I want you, I can have you

I love you, but I try not to.

Note from author:

I hope one day he'll read this and understand why I make us crazy.

Not titled yet

You're my hell spawn

You're my devil

Destroying my

I haven't felt this way

Since we broke up and now

You're back in my life

3 years later

I've wanted to bleed

I've wanted to hurt

I haven't wanted that in so long

Why do I let you do this to me

You tear my soul and my moral being

You are my hell

You are my Anti-Christ

This fucking feeling that

can't be helped, it's like 

withdrawal

and I feel I need to aid it with destruction

I want to hurt everyone,

                          everything

Death is all that saves me

from you

THE beatING HEART OF TEENAGE ANGST

I want to do something destructive

        cigarette ash on the dashboard

Burn out, Fuck up

Life is dead, dull, boring

I don't want to fit in

I don't want to attach

        get me a quick fix

Kerouac myself, destruction

Burn me up, shut the fuck up

I'm done with society

Bring me to ruins

People with no feeling or care

What the hell will you do when the world comes crashing down on you and your own criticism won't save you?

  alcohol aid me 

        Mind

       Flash

       Screen

       Blank

       White

       Snow

I hear the noise, then the hum

I feel the itch

       God, Get me out

       God, save me

I want to be destructive

I want to hurt myself

         unreliable medication

I want to forget

I don't want to be responsible

Give me a quick Fuck that

I don't have to attach myself to

       The world will come crashing down on me and I won't care

       Let it fall shatter over me in a million pieces cut me in a million ways 

       Tear my skin

        Show my soul

Ginsberg howling in my ear

I cry, I ache, I vomit, I aid, I heal, I break, I end, I start, I stop, I go, I boil, I burn, I regret.